Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
