when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
