oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
