Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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