im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
