Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize