the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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