I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
