I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize