I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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