anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
