am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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