what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
