2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
