I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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