There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize