dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
