best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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