He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
