in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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