The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
