I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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