Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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