he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
