my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
whose parrot is this?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
