My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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