I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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