you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Randomize
