Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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