happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
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I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
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I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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