o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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