we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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