oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
