What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
