your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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