This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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