I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
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She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The uberlube is also flammable
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
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Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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