i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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