i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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