the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
