Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
