Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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