It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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