dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
