I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
