Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
