Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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