I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
