come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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