Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
