Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
