there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
