you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
