I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
