I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
