The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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