I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
