New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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