If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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