This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
