fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
