then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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